Volume 29, Number 1

Unhinged, 1987

T. K. Jones, Reagan’s Deputy Under-Secretary of Defense for Research and Engineering, Strategic and Theater Nuclear Forces, says we can survive nuclear war with a shovel and a coupla doors. 
Tomato Kangaroo Jones says just dig a hole. It’s fast and easy. Best dig a hole large enough for six people. 
Tannery Kebab Jones says to pile the doors over the hole and cover with the dirt. An inch is good but three feet is better. 
Tantrum Keeper Jones doesn’t say who gets in the hole first. 
Tapeworm Kink Jones doesn’t say who shovels the dirt on top of the doors, or how they get inside the shelter once it’s covered up. 
Tapestry Kennel Jones says that rainfall is good because it will wash the radioactivity out of the sky and into the ground, and you can scrape off the top inch and heap it up somewhere else. 
Tapir Kerfuffle Jones says you can drink the rainwater. 
Tarantula Kestrel Jones says you can leave the shelter for sanitary needs and get back inside and pull the doors and the three feet of dirt over you like a blanket.
Teacup Kettledrum Jones says to take the doors off your house and dig your hole and install a ventilation pump. 
Tartan Keyhole Jones says the digging and unhinging should take you about ten hours. 
Tautology Kilowatt Jones doesn’t say what powers the ventilator. 
Tartar Kibbutz Jones doesn’t say how much warning you get before the nuclear attack. 
Taskmaster Kickback Jones thinks you can go outside safely after a week, tops.
Tasty Kidney Jones doesn’t say who will pile the dirt on top of the doors, no matter how many times you ask. 
Taunt Killer Jones says you have to buy your own shovel.

—Karen Greenbaum-Maya