Luteus: A Satire
Characters:
PRIEST
PAX, a peaceful protester
LUTEUS, President of the United States
SOD, the Secretary of Defense for the United States
UNA, head sage in a council to promote peace
MANIA, the First Lady of the United States
CHORUS, Advisors to the President
SECRET SERVICE
Scene: Catholic Church in Washington D.C.
Enter PRIEST from side of stage, immediately followed by PAX. She falls to her knees at center state, before the priest.
PAX:
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been nearly two weeks since my last confession.
PRIEST:
What is it, my child?
PAX:
I have had impure thoughts, Father. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the President has suspended Habeas Corpus.
PRIEST:
Yes, child. I have been praying ever since.
PAX:
Then you understand it is but a pretense and is no more due to the conflict in the Middle East than his complexion is to the sun. Furthermore, he has issued an ordinance prohibiting protests in any fashion. Worse still, they will be considered acts of treason.
PRIEST:
And you feel this is not right?
PAX:
Father! We bear witness to a foreign policy, not of peace and reconciliation, but of intimidation. America is becoming not the greatest country, but the greatest bully. Greatness comes with compassion, not strength. As a pious woman instilled with the great values of our country, I care not for politics, but for the immortal souls of our fellow countrymen. I am only a conduit for the strict adherence to Heaven’s laws. Such politics violates our holiest Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Kill.
PRIEST:
Pray, go on.
PAX:
The President’s merciless pursuance of this war is shadowed in pride, power and prejudice. His causes are not just or holy. He has made money his idol, thereby seeking to fatten up the herd by abusing his position of power. God says, “You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.” It is his attempt to subjugate God’s law that has spawned this oppression. It is against the American people and the Lord in Heaven whom the President has made his imperious ordinance. O Father, was there ever a woman more plagued than me by the moral and pious decline of this great country?
PRIEST:
Come now, child. Times are hard, I admit, but the Lord will see us though.
PAX:
Father, I must do something. Something must be done to save the souls of our countrymen, as well as the innocent civilians who will be slaughtered like livestock. The President has his Iron Fist ready to drive into that nuclear trigger. I fear not only war, but world devastation and the deprivation of our souls.
PRIEST:
I beseech you, my child! You cannot go against the ordinance. Let us pray for the souls of all those who will leave this world, so that their souls may be sent rightfully to Heaven.
PAX:
Who will act if I don’t? This country is in a frenzy and as divided as the Mason-Dixon Line. Preying on people’s hate and fear isn’t brilliant or courageous. It’s despicable, and it makes this country despicable. I must be the one to show the people the way to salvation. Will you pray for me, Father?
PRIEST:
I cannot sanction such defiance of the law.
PAX:
And what of God’s law?
PRIEST:
That I leave to God.
PAX:
My fellow men need me. Where God is, we will soon see.
PRIEST:
I will pray for you, my child. That is the very least I can do.
PAX:
Save your prayers, Father, for those who are in need.
PAX leaves stage by side exit.
PRIEST leaves the opposite way.
Enter CHORUS of advisors.
CHORUS:
To America, let us toast—
With freedom unyielding, and influence to boast;
Our hands stretch further than the eye can see—
Exemplified by world democracy.
Land of the free. Home of the brave.
With our heads held high from cradle to grave.
United we stand, divided we fall;
All heil, a confederate union to rule them all.
This new Reich has erupted a World War III
(A war fueled by fear, pomp, power, and greed),
Where religious freedom is given to the worship of Christ,
Weaponized against other creeds, homos and dykes—
Our brothers are slandered, “abominable, devils, and sinners,”
Because the white man on top is always the winner.
Hark! El Presidente has come, assume the pose;
Throw your right hand up, parallel to your nose.
Long live the man who rules with his fist;
Let’s pray we won’t be the next on his list.
Enter LUTEUS from the central door of the Oval Office.
LUTEUS:
My advisors: the Lord has tested us amidst a crisis in which we were thought susceptible to our enemies; but America does not exist of glass houses; strike us and we do not collapse. The greatness of America lies not in treatises or reconciliations; our greatness lies in our strength and virility; strike us and we only grow stronger. In these troubled times, our enemies have surfaced and threaten our freedom. But America is great; America is strong; and it will annihilate its enemy by all means necessary.
But our foes are cunning and threaten our lands from within our own borders. As a lover of freedom, I say above all, our country needs to be free; that is why I declare that anyone who disagrees with me is not a lover of freedom, and, therefore, is not a friend to our country—for America is to be free. Thus, have I sacrificed a lesser freedom for the greater good. I have issued an ordinance concerning my fellow Americans as follows:
While our country is at war, there shall be no protesting of any kind. Anyone who defies me defies the American people, and will be considered an enemy of the state, and thus a traitor to America. All traitors are hereby sentenced to life imprisonment without parole. This is my decree. May all abide by it.
CHORUS:
(Snoring.)
LUTEUS:
Ahem!
CHORUS:
Wha… oh, indeed! You have a way with words, Mr. President. Who would be inclined to betray our country and our country’s laws and the countless words that make up those laws which you have interpreted for us in over 140 characters.
LUTEUS:
(Has pulled out a cell phone and appears to be typing.) Yes, yes, just a minute, I’ve just had a thought.
CHORUS:
Singular… not plural.
SOD enters from center door.
SOD:
Mr. President, we have a situation… you’re not tweeting, are you, sir?
LUTEUS:
(Hides cell phone behind his back.) No, of course not… merely replying to some very nice guys… Go on.
SOD:
I hate to bother you, sir, especially during a time like this.
LUTEUS:
What is the news? In God’s name, what is it? Out with it, man!
SOD:
But I’m a woman, sir.
LUTEUS:
Oh! Is that so? Did I hire you as such, or are you one of those transients?
SOD:
No sir, I was born this way.
LUTEUS:
Yes, I have heard a lady sing this was so.
SOD:
You hired me yourself.
CHORUS:
Poor sod!
LUTEUS:
Of course I did. Let it be known publicly that I value women just as much as men. Now, off to the kitchen, SOD. All this talking has made me ravenous.
SOD:
But, sir?
LUTEUS:
Yes, of course. What is this gossip you heard?
SOD:
It has just been reported that the words, “MAKE OUR WORLD GREAT AGAIN,” have been spray-painted on the exterior wall of the White House.
LUTEUS:
What man dares defy me?
SOD:
Sir, no one saw it happen. It’s quite peculiar. I watched the security tapes myself. There was no one on that side of the building. I thought it might have been an inside job, sir, but every single woman, African American, Jew and Muslim is accounted for. Even the gays, sir. The guards on duty reported a mighty gust of wind that created a miniature dust storm, or so it seemed. One guard had so much sand in his eyes, he thought for sure he’d go blind, and the other said his contacts were taken from his eyes, as if the wind itself had fingers.
CHORUS:
We fear God has had a hand in this affair.
LUTEUS:
Blasphemy! Good Christians should know better than attributing stupidity and luck to an act of Grace. Are we superstitious or righteous men? I want you to seek out this devil and bring him before me.
SOD:
Mr. President! Sir, yes, sir!
SOD leaves stage by side exit.
LUTEUS exits from center door.
CHORUS:
(Intensely, seeing a prisoner brought forth from offstage.)
O Lord, pray, can this be?
Or do our eyes deceive?
‘Tis none other than PAX
Who’s committed this act.
O, you daughter of Eve!
Were you but born to grieve?
Enter the SECRET SERVICE with PAX.
SECRET SERVICE:
We have apprehended the perpetrator. Send for the President.
LUTEUS jumps onstage from sitting with the audience.
LUTEUS:
What is this?
SECRET SERVICE:
She is the one, Mr. President… sir. The one who defied your decree.
LUTEUS:
How can this be? She is only a woman. Where did you find her?
SECRET SERVICE:
Mr. President, we had the graffiti removed immediately and then took watch to wait for the return of the criminal. We didn’t wait long before we heard whispers, as if carried by the wind—more poetic and beautiful than ever uttered by man. We made out what seemed to be a prayer, but from whose lips we could not tell. It may sound crazy, but it seemed as if God was speaking. We then heard sobs below, and when we looked down, witnessed this girl again committing the proposed crime. We had men hiding out of sight, and they apprehended her.
LUTEUS:
Do you know if she committed the first act?
SECRET SERVICE:
Yes, sir. She confessed freely when we seized her. She did not struggle… almost as if she wanted to be caught. Oh, and one more thing…
LUTEUS:
Out with it!
SECRET SERVICE:
Sir, she was wearing one of these “pussy hats.” (Hands LUTEUS a pink hat.)
LUTEUS:
(Grabs the “pussy hat” aggressively.) Well, that explains it! (Throws hat on the ground and stomps on it with his foot.)
PAX:
I would think you’d be a fan of the craftsmanship, seeing as though the udders are easy to grab with both hands.
LUTEUS:
Such impotence in a child so young.
SECRET SERVICE:
Insolence, sir?
LUTEUS:
Yes, yes, what else! Now, what does this Libtard call herself?
PAX:
My name is PAX.
LUTEUS:
And were you aware of my decree?
PAX:
I was.
LUTEUS:
And did you understand it?
PAX:
Of course.
LUTEUS:
And you still chose to defy me?
PAX:
I cannot comply with such law that defies the sacred ones of Heaven. A mortal man has no sway with God. It is foolish to think yourself able to dictate the will of the Almighty. You are not above God’s law, and neither can you pervert them. Such laws will not seal the fate of our souls. You would have us pollute our spirits with our hands soaked with the blood of our brothers! You have broken God’s law for the deceit you call the greater good. Well, I break your law for the salvation of the American people and yes, for all those who suffer at our hands. So, punish me as you must, and this day will soon be done.
LUTEUS:
God’s law! (Spits on the ground.) I am the most powerful man in the world. I am the law. If it were up to your kind, we would be overrun by Skittles.
PAX:
Your administration could afford to “taste the rainbow.” Instead your preference is for white Easter bunnies. Isn’t that calling the coffee pot black?
CHORUS:
Don’t you mean kettle?
PAX:
Excuse me, but I’m the protagonist, and I’m trying to make a point hear.
CHORUS:
Of course… but… you used the wrong here.
PAX:
How would you know?
CHORUS:
(Shrugs.) We have no idea.
PAX:
Bite me, Chorus Boys! Now where was I before I was rudely interrupted? Oh, right! I have only done what I as a good Christian had no other choice in doing.
LUTEUS:
You would have us await our doom?
PAX:
And you, sir, have already sealed it! You have played the puppeteer in life and death, threatening to pull out your nuke for all to see. Put it away, Mr. President. You are only marching our soldiers to their undoing, and for what? What price is worth keeping them from the Holy City of God? You send them to an early grave only to have their strings pulled by yet another devil.
LUTEUS:
Silence, woman! Must all of your sex gab in such a manner?
PAX:
Are a woman’s teats only for the engendered spawn weaned on such prejudice? If such is true, God, unsex me thus and deliver me to your Glory. If not, let these hands be true and make me a martyr for your just cause.
LUTEUS:
Enough! (Turns to SECRET SERVICE.) Take her away. I have no more use for her.
SECRET SERVICE takes PAX away.
CHORUS:
It seems a woman is always cursed,
Beginning with the very knowledge Eve dispersed.
All of womankind suffers to no end—
Fancied to be inferior to men.
Thus, women in mental bondage—
Their minds domesticated and taken hostage.
History shows their tragedies are dark:
The world lost its witches and Jeanne d’Arc.
You remember the beautiful Helen of Troy,
Who made young men tremble all over with joy?
‘Twas she—the reason that men went to war.
‘Twas she—the pretext men were fighting for.
Here we are, demanding those tables be turned,
But in the tragedy of war, what now have men learned?
Who was it that penned Helen as the bringer of pain?
In white, privileged pages, is her name taken in vain.
PAX is led onstage by SECRET SERVICE.
CHORUS:
Weren’t you just here a minute ago?
PAX:
Cues are for amateur actresses. I’m here to recite my monologue. (Clears her throat.) O, am I to see the sky no more or breathe the air of freedom? Is there no one here to hold my hand who too believes in righteousness? O, but I did not do this for myself. But the brotherhood of man called me forth to rage against his inhumanity—against a tyrant who threatens us in both life and death. If it had been a just law, I would have faithfully served until my dying breath. But we are under moral obligation to rise against injustice, to rise against false law. Such laws are not based in God’s law—only in base general nature do they appear from the depths of insoluble, organic blackness. Only God knows justice. If I in self-defense defy his law with self-inflicted action, my soul will remain intact. Heaven doesn’t come to those who wait with their mouths closed and eyes sewed shut. (Looks to CHORUS.)
CHORUS:
We totally forgot what we were going to say…
LUTEUS:
She is a criminal and no martyr—note the distinction.
PAX:
O Eve, paradise has been lost for me as it was for you. But I rise into action for the sanctity of the American dream in the hopes that my fate will be the catalyst for peaceful dissent—reveal the American oasis as a hateful mirage. The devils we make are no worse than the devils we become. I speak of the parasite that darkens our hearts, poisons our minds and directs small hands to do its odious bidding.
PAX is taken away again by SECRET SERVICE
Enter UNA, the sage, leaning on his cane.
LUTEUS:
You are welcome here, old man.
UNA:
Yes, I am a very, very old man and have been around a long, long time. I have seen massacres, revolutions and the birth and fall of many great nations. My councilors and I have been conversing a great deal.
LUTEUS:
(Sneers.) And what advice would you give me?
UNA:
Advice you had, and advice you did not heed. Your council stressed patience, and you chose action. Now behold what your imprudence has caused. I come here now with a warning.
LUTEUS:
Are you threatening me, old man?
UNA:
Only a fool interrupts before he has heard all the facts. I have wisdom beyond your years. I have sight though my eyes do not see and can perceive the storm before you can sense the wind on your Golden Fleece.
LUTEUS:
(Shakes the hair out of his eyes.) I beg your pardon? (Waves his hand in front of his face in mockery as he stares blankly at the audience.) You forget who you speak with, old man. Maybe you should get yourself a dog!
UNA:
Behold that even as we speak, America suffers greatly for your excessive pride. There is an epidemic in the air which you have unleashed, making even your friends into enemies. I hear their words—their suffering. But you, sir, have plugged your ears. Well, let it be known that tragedy will strike you near at heart to instill the fear of God and humanity into your corrosive, slippery organ. Trouble abroad will continue to brew until God has had his vengeance. Heed my words! It is a fool who wields the one-eyed monster whenever the green-eyed monster rears its hungry head.
LUTEUS:
Why, I should have you arrested!
UNA:
For the truth? Indeed, that seems logical.
LUTEUS:
Enough of your riddles, old man.
UNA:
I am speaking plain English. ¿Hables Ingles?
LUTEUS:
Somebody take him away! He must be an immigrant!
Enter SECRET SERVICE.
UNA:
We are doomed.
UNA is led offstage by SECRET SERVICE.
CHORUS:
We fear, Mr. President, of what is to come. UNA has always spoken in truths and for the good of the world. We have never known him to speak in avaricious self-interest.
LUTEUS:
That does sound more like someone else we know. Please, then, tell me the path I should take?
CHORUS:
Let the girl, PAX, go free and make a public declaration that you are lifting the ordinance and that you will remove your trigger finger from the nuclear button.
LUTEUS:
What will be said if I just pull out?
CHORUS:
About time! We mean… nothing more than what other, random people who aren’t currently on stage have not already said.
LUTEUS:
I will do it reluctantly, if that is what I must do, but it is all you losers who are making me do it.
CHORUS:
Unfortunately, there can be no winners here.
LUTEUS exits stage.
Enter MANIA who stands center stage facing the audience.
CHORUS:
Here comes the First Lady. I believe she thinks she is here for a Press Conference. Whatever happens, just keep smiling. (CHORUS wears big grins.)
MANIA:
My good, American people. I have prayed to both Jesus and the Greek god, Priapus that our civil unrest will stop. But I fear it is too late. I have heard rumors that the poor, homely girl has hung herself in her cell. Just now, my son told me he saw her spirit come to him. She uttered one word as a message to the leader of the free world.
CHORUS:
Pray, what word is this, my lady?
MANIA:
(Forms an “L” with her right hand and places it to her forehead.) LOSER!!
CHORUS:
(Gasps.) Surely not!
MANIA:
Look now! (Points at the audience.) They mock me. The President is a laughingstock and has made me his court jester.
CHORUS:
Apparently, money can’t buy everything.
MANIA:
Hear this America! I still stand by my husband and refuse to put up with your incessant mockery.
SOD enters from center stage.
SOD:
Where is the President? (Looks over to MANIA.) My good woman, have you heard? The President has gone bankrupt. Again! I fear he is ruined.
MANIA:
(Looks at the press/audience and flips her long hair with her right hand.) That’s it! Take me away! I am leaving this cursed country.
CHORUS:
What the sage predicted has now come to pass.
His words did injure in the hopes of sowing greener grass.
Behold, there stands our president in a dizzying fright;
His suffering shall reveal God’s glory this night.
Poor man will remember this for all his days:
He who doth commit hubris is seriously cray cray.
Enter LUTEUS from center stage.
LUTEUS:
The girl is dead. So, I am thus blamed for her death.
SOD:
Mr. President! I have just been informed that the Middle East is still not harboring any weapons of mass destruction. I am afraid your conceit has been confirmed on a global level.
LUTEUS:
So, it has. Fetch my VP. I must consult him in this matter.
SOD:
Sir, which one?
LUTEUS:
Whoever pays me the greater compliment.
SOD:
Another thing, sir. You are needed immediately. There have been terrible casualties reported. The country is divided, brother against brother. We need you to issue a statement to the public.
CHORUS:
American blood has been spilt this night.
SOD:
Mr. President?
CHORUS:
Why does he not speak?
Is he too taken with grief?
SOD:
Mr. President? What are you going to do?
LUTEUS:
O I’ll… O I’ll…
CHORUS:
He stutters. What is he saying?
LUTEUS:
O I’ll…
LUTEUS is taken offstage by SOD in a straitjacket.
CHORUS:
Humans beware of nature corrupt.
Excess of power
Will build and erupt.
The law of the land
Is not found in man,
But in SHE who is pure;
HE who is Grand.
~