Shock
is glorious.
I’m applying for a patent to bottle it
and sell it, with chisel-tipped
hypodermic needles. I will offer
a few varieties, tailored to your needs:
Lidocaine Haze Shock: So numbing
you can give precise directions
to your apartment, taking care
to note the one-way streets,
in the same conversation
where you find out half your family is
dead. You can bring a full box
of tissues for the drive through two states
and not use a single one.
In high-stress situations,
you can improve your response
with Enhanced Efficiency Shock.
You can go to a cemetery
and pick out the best site—
close to a shady tree, the water
spigot, and somebody else’s
pearly white guardian angel,
all before the detectives
finish collecting evidence.
With Nurturing Shock
you can choose the last clothes
your dad will ever wear
with the same loving eye for detail
as if you were helping him decide
what to wear for your sister’s wedding.
It’s the same suit, anyway.
You can check the photo
of the father-daughter dance
for accuracy.
Just one dose of Extra-Strength Shock
and you can survive a week on
three hours of sleep. And with almost
no side effects—you won’t distinguish
the dulling effects of one from the other.
Be advised: This dose is available only
through a nonrenewable prescription.
No appetite? No problem
with Nourishing Shock.
After that first day of learning how to
swallow again—Extra-Strength Shock
does come with a few minor side effects—
you may be at risk of fainting
from hunger if you fail to follow up
with a measure of Nourishing Shock.
You can eat your prescribed
meals of cheese, veggie and meat lasagna
and start a habit of chasing them down
with dark chocolate. At breakfast, too.
When shock begins to wear off
in the morning before you open your eyes
you may have a problem.
Nothing a dose of Lightning Quick Shock
can’t cure. Keep by your bedside
and use at the first sign of consciousness.
Continue for six to eight weeks,
or as needed. This drug has been known
to promote dependence.
Coming soon to a retailer near you:
for problems that have no cure,
the best quick fix is within reach.
Testing on human subjects
completed with promising results.